Today was shit. My brain will just not shut up, or leave me be. I woke up to a declaration of love from a very good friend of mine (mind your own), and it threw me a bit. Plus, I hate hurting peoples feelings. I hope we can just get past it, after all- we are sort of in the same boat.

I fear this post is going to be super emo, so if I’ve already cried on you in the past two weeks, then look away now, because I want a whinge. I’m a sharer. I like to share things. Evenings, weekends, meals, laughs, jokes, kindness, love etc. I thought I’d found someone to share all these things with, like, forever. I’m not ashamed or embarassed to admit I put my heart into it. What other way is there to be? I think when someone decides that they don’t want to do that with you, they don’t want to share their time with you anymore- it’s an awful, awful feeling. And for those of you scoffing at the screen and saying ‘just get over it’, don’t worry, I will. I know bajillions of people have been through it and they are all fine. I know it’s not the end of the world. But, I just want to say, once, for today- I am NOT ok. I feel sick and tired, and my dreams are full of the way it used to be. Everyone says I should be angry, but I’m not there at all. I just feel totally exhausted, used up. And I’ve never been one of these girls who can just go and put it about to make myself better. I could try, but I think I’d be more unhappy than I am right now. It’s shallow, and not what I want in the slightest. I despise coming home to an empty house (no offence Theo), and there’s only so many times I can ring my Mum to tell her about my day. Life is for sharing, and all I’ve ever wanted since I was little (I blame my Mum and Dad for being so happy) is to get dead happy with someone and have a big family. This may seem silly to some, but not to me. I think the whole point is, you could have the shittest job and house in the world, but if you come home everyday to someone who loves you as much as you love them- the rest is just background noise. Pretty gay, right?

I’ve been happy to work an OK job these past few months, because I was always so happy to get home. And now it kind of feels like I have nothing (apart from friends and family of course). I still can’t get my head around any of it, and I just feel really sad about it. Everyone has been so great, and you all talk so much sense. I’m not going to top myself or anything, or wallow for years and years. It’s just today, I want to be sad and to feel sorry for myself because I’ve always been nice and tried very hard- and this is fucking shit.

I hope you’re all suitably depressed. I’m off to watch shit telly on my own and eat cold pizza. Tomorrow I will be back to pretending like everything is fine again, and may blog a joke or something. Bet you can’t wait! Seriously, sorry for the moaning, but I think you have to write these things as if no one will ever read them (and they probably won’t after this avalanche of angst.)